" It's meant to be perfect"
Where to start...? I’m coming up to five years since I finished chemo. Am I ready to talk?...no. Do I think I should?...yes.
This was my year! I was becoming a mum for the first time and I had it all planned. Mickey and I were living in Italy, we had a lovely life filled with happiness and we were expecting a baby...it doesn’t get much better than that!
I was due to have my little man on the 9th June 2013 via a planned c-section in England. Why? Now that’s another story which we can leave for another time!
As nothing goes to plan in my life Charlie made an early appearance on the 29th may 2013 3 weeks early weighing a massive 8lb 12oz He was healthy, I was healthy and mummy and son were doing great.
I never had a desire to breastfeed (please don’t judge me) so I didn’t. After 4 days my family was complete and we went home to my parents house. We came home on a Sunday and that day was crazy.
People came in and out to meet the newest member of the family. I remember lying on the sofa in agony my as my breast were killing me. People say when the milk comes in it is painful but this was another level of pain. I was lying on with cabbage leaves down my bra (mum said her mum made her do the same!) I couldn’t hold Charlie it was too painful. I remember people saying to stop being dramatic but I just remember it was agonising pain. I thought I must just be a wimp.
The pain subsided after a day or two and it was back to mummy duties. There were no red flags, I was tired (normal) boobs were tender (normal) I lost weight quickly (this was great, infact, it was a dream, I didn’t think too much as I was happy I was loosing weight)
In August I was beyond exhausted I was irritable and I was sad but I didn’t know why. I had this gorgeous boy who did everything by the book he slept and ate well. What was going on with me? Why was I so depressed? Or was it normal mummy behaviour?
My moods settled and I was getting back into a routine and although I felt happier I was still so tired. I didn’t want to go to the doctors as though I would be wasting an appointment, after all I had just had a baby and wasn’t it normal to be exceptionally tired and suffer mood swings?
In the beginning of October Charlie, Mickey and I moved into our own house as we wanted space for our family to grow. We wanted to bond without the craziness of having my mum, dad, sister and brother all under one roof.. it was great as I love my independence.
One evening I’d put Charlie to bed and thought ‘great I can have a shower wash my hair and relax’. I was In the shower like normal and thought I am going to check myself. This is something I’ve never done before, I don’t know why but for some reason I thought I would tonight. I checked my right side and it felt normal. Then the left, I was surprised to feel something, I stopped and checked again thinking it was my imagination but nope there was definately something there. On the left hand side, just to the left of my nipple, was a small bead like lump.
I stood there for a while thinking SHIT what is this...!? Is this normal? It must be normal? Ok but what if it isn’t normal? It’s only small, must be from having the baby..! But what if it isn’t? It can’t be, I’m too young! After what seemed like a lifetime I calmed myself down by telling myself “you are too young to have cancer, you have just had a baby if it was cancer they would have found it and it doesn’t even hurt!” I knew I had to go to the doctor to have it checked so planned to call for an appointment the next morning.
Was this it? No, no way! Not me...what was this...?